Luna's Loony Articles
by Marauding-Moonbabe
Summary: Luna Lovegood has always been enveloped in a strange world of her own. A series of articles she wrote for the Quibbler shows just how strange that world really is. Welcome to the wonderful land of random...
1. Chapter 1

History of a Sun God

Loony Lovegood

As you know, the Sun God in his earthly form is known as Draco Malfoy. Even uwois know that, and they tend to be rather dull… that

means stupid. Anyway, the Sun God has a rainy history. I wish it would rain every other Monday; that way I could see a liddlederger. On

the other hand, they would make a cosmic star fall on the Slytherin Common Room. You know what happens when cosmic stars land on

top of you; you become extinct… you die. Then when he died, I would have nothing to report on, as non-sun gods tend to be rather boring.

Sun God's history definitely fits the saying, "The shadow proves the sunshine." Somebody made that into some song I think. I believe that I

will say that five times fast. Well, I have procrastinated long enough to put you into a "vortex of suspense" as my daddy says. Not to offend

him, but he is a bigot with a big, Grecian nose. I guess I can start with Sunnyboy's history now.

Lucius sired Draco, and his dam was Narcissa Malfoy. There I go talking… or I guess typing, like he is a stockellie, which is a mutant heifer

with 3 different noses.

Anyway, his sire was quite strict. In rap lingo, it would be, "Yo yo, homey-G! Wazzap wit tat? Dragon Dude's papa is a putting the smack

smack down. Dudes." In your people's sayings, that would be, "Malfoy's horrid father, who seemed to hold hostility to all mankind, would

drag Draco down to the deepest depths of the dungeon to torture him with the most ferocious methods ever known to humans."

Since this is the smack-dab middle of the article, I will change fonts to confuse you further. Oh by the way, I got all this inside information on

the Sun God from his steady girlfriend, Ginny Weasley. She told me that this information was very, very private, and to never reveal it to

anyone. It was Topsy-Turvy night in Taiwan, so she meant, "Tell each and every person you know what I just revealed to you," except with

much smaller words, as she is 1/8th uwoi on her grandmother's side, I believe. She just won't admit it.

Many people these days won't admit that they are part cat-zebra. I know tons of people, as the time I spend "hiding myself in a corner,

doing nothing to benefit the British society" is actually people-watching time. Did you know that Josh Fungal picks his nose with his quill

every 3.78546 minutes? I do; I know everything about the people I go to school with. I know tons of people, but very few speak with me.

Maybe they are just shy, as I know I did nothing to offend them. So, I will write history of the Sun God down so it can be sent to the best

newspaper ever, which is conveniently the paper I work for, the Quibbler.


	2. Chapter 2

Luna's Loony Articles

Adopt an Alpaca 

Luna Lovegood 

Today's article shall tell you why you must adopt an alpaca, and save a lot of money on your car insurance. You see in 1345, alpacas were the main source of transportation in the high mountains of Death Valley. Oh, I mean Himalayas, sorry. Alpacas were quite the off-road vehicle back then. So, I ask, why not now? They have tons of hair, fur, fluff, etc. Therefore, they will make one darn good sweater on those cold summer nights. They have an amazing ½ mile an hour mileage, in addition to no gas required. Well, except for hay.

Also, they are environmentally helpful. Car exhaust equals holes in the ozone. Alpaca exhaust equals more fertilizer for carrot farmers. Alpaca insurance is much less than car insurance, as no one has ever invented alpaca insurance. So when they break a leg, you splint their leg with a branch, put them in you cart, and pull the cart yourself. See, they are even a great workout for you Fatkins diet freaks.

Another reason for you to buy an alpaca is that then you won't have to listen to rap songs on the radio. You can listen to horseflies when you drive an alpaca. Horseflies are much more educational than rap songs, because if you listen closely, they aren't saying "Yeah, yeah, yeah," all the time. They are saying "Ve vant to suck vour vood." At least, that is what I believe horseflies say. They always seem Bulgarian, like Victor Krum… can't properly talk anyway. Ants, on the other hand, are quite different. They all say, "Should we get the watermelon or the hotdog?" and act a bit like Ronald… always thinking about food.

Horses, dogs, and cats are all quite diverse. The patient school horse says, "Now, today kiddies, we are going to learn how to say out of my mouth. And how to not hit me in the back when you sit your fat rears on me. Got that?" The wilder, more advanced, stubborn horse says, "Get off of my back! And into my game! Get out of my way! And out of my brain!"

The golden retriever says, "Dude, there were awesome vibes today coming from like the ocean. Awesome times for like surfing." The poodle, who is much more dignified, says, "Oh my Gawd! Bob totally flirted with me today. I was like, 'Oh my gawd. I so totally didn't wear my pink shirt today.' What on earth will I do? Oh my gawd."

Cats (and half-kneazles) are quite the opposite of dogs. Some describe them as obnoxious, but I think that they are just royalty. The more refined cats, or aristocats, talk like this: "Darling, that is simply marvelous. I simply adore your petty notions of trying to get the high social status that I hold. However, you are human, and are destined to be beneath me, serving me until the end of your days. Now pet, please continue with my daily grooming spa." The more forceful mousers are rather blunt. "Shut up and hand over the catnip, and nobody gets hurt. And while you're at it, pet me or face the wrath of the streaking-claws-across-your-precious-furless-face."

Here is where I would put the paragraph about what alpacas say, but that is pointless, as they don't seem to think about anything but the next meal. Now that I ponder that, it seems rather like immature males. I might do an article on the relations of alpacas and immature males. Let's see…

Immature Males

Worry about nothing but food

Smell bad when no shower is taken

100 rude, crude, and immature in general

Alpacas

Worry about nothing but food

Smell bad forever and always

Immature. The end.

So, as you see, immature males are toned down alpacas. Therefore, that means that car insurance must cost less when you make them pull a cart. That is why you should buy an alpaca.


End file.
